my strength comes from HIM

for i can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

I really like when I can see scripture active in my life. This is a common verse, I’ve prayed on it many times, asking for strength for anything from writing it on top of a statistics exam, going on a big interview or even just getting out of bed some days, but tonight, I found new peace and meaning in these words.

Things have been less than pleasant lately. Work is hard and exhausting. School sucks. Everyone is stressed and miserable, and I don’t know how to help. I was curled up on my couch tonight, watching an awful Lifetime movie thinking about all of this when I realized, that despite how dreadful things have been, I’m actually pretty okay.

It was about this time a year ago that my eating disorder really started to take over. I was struggling with life; stressed beyond belief and feeling like I had no control over anything. You could say it started out innocently enough, I was “too busy” to eat. I was “so stressed” I never had an appetite. While these things might have been true at first, they definitely became my excuse. My eating disorder became my only coping mechanism. I felt like the only thing I could control was what I did with my body. I felt like I could prove to the world that I was capable of handling everything, and so strong I could do it all without food. Woof. The interesting thing is that I am easily more stressed today than I was a year ago. And I’m in recovery. Doing well. Not relying on starving myself and overexercising as my only coping mechanism. Why? What changed?

I can say I have changed. That I’m stronger now and I have learned better ways to manage my stress. Or I could credit my community. I have a few strong, encouraging relationships today that I did not have a year ago. They provide a sense of support and love that I have never experienced before. I could say I don’t have time to deal with an eating disorder. That I need the strength and energy that only food can provide. I could say all of those things and they would all be true, but the real reason I’m doing okay is missing from that list.

I am healthy and coping with my stress because I have put my trust in the Lord. I give my anxiety to Him every single day, and I (do my best) to trust Him. Yeah, I believed in God a year ago, but I was lacking a real relationship with Him. I prayed every once in a while, but my prayers were awkward and scripted. I didn’t have a close, personal relationship with the Lord, where I could just chat with Him about life and my stress and struggles. I couldn’t see the beauty in things the way I do know, because I didn’t truly trust Him.

Today, I’m almost always in casual conversation with the Lord. I do my best to live my life in a way that truly glorifies Him. I see the Lord at work in my life in beautiful ways, and I trust that He has big plans for me. I am stronger today than I ever have been because I know He lives in me. I truly believe I can do anything, because the Lord is on my side.

Here’s the thing you guys. The Lord loves us something fierce. More than we will ever be able to comprehend. He wants us to succeed. We just have to trust Him and let our strength come from Him.

for God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7